The Caucasian Spring Brings New Fears of Violence
Paris – the city has braced for another weekend of protests against the Macron regime amidst continued government clashes with the “Yellow Vests.”
Place Charles de Gaulle has been taken over by the “Yellow Vest” protesters. The square has become the central rallying point of the revolution. Paris, known as the Beirut of Europe, has not seen this much anger since Portugal’s upset win against France at the 2016 Euro final.
Mr. Descubes, a Macron loyalist who lives in Le Marais, a privileged pro-regime neighborhood in Paris, said in an interview with state media that he had been targeted by the protestors. He remembered them yell “Go home, bourgeois”.
“Not only did they have the gall to litter my neighbourhood,” he continued, “but they would not stop referring to me in the second-person singular. Uneducated savages, these misérables.”
“If they are so angry, let them eat cake”, he said, as he sipped a glass of 1788 Château Latour wine from his penthouse balcony.
Mr. Descubes does not stand alone. Tens of thousands of républicain loyalists have been deployed to the capital. Hundreds of civilians have been mildly inconvenienced by the surge in Uber rates as “Yellow Vests” clash with government forces across Paris. Staples of the French diet, particularly butter shipments from rebel-held Normandy, have been unable to reach the capital. The threat of famine looms.
Professor at the Algerian University in Paris Sami al-Hunti blames the recent unrest to “civilizational problems” that have historically held the country back. “The bloody borders of Alsace-Lorraine still haunt the French people”, he said, “Ever since the bourgeois martyr Louis Bourbon XIV was executed hundreds of years ago, tensions have been simmering between the sectarian class groups in the region.”
al-Hunti continued, “France has been a powder keg ever since Charles de Gaulle seized control of the sickly fourth republic.” As an officer in the French army, de Gaulle reformed the institutions of the French state in his image. The power of the presidency was starkly increased, at the expense of the parliament. According to al-Hunti, “this authoritarian legacy endures to this day”. The current president claims to be the rightful heir to de Gaulle’s legacy.
The international community has condemned the crackdown on protestors. The Morrocan, Algerian and Lebanese governments in particular have stressed concerns over the safety of their large diaspora living in the Gaulish capital. Algerian President Abdelaziz Bouteflika has given Macron a deadline to initiate reform or step down from power.
“Until the French people’s calls for change are met, Arab League peacekeeping forces may be deployed to bring stability to the troubled region” said the President’s brother Saïd Bouteflika, who swore on his brother’s comb over that it was totally the words of the President. The threat looms of the Arab League imposing a no-fly zone.
At press time, the hashtags #handsofffrance and #thecaucasianspring are trending on Twitter.
This satire article is apart of MIR’s April Fools day publication cycle. The views expressed in this piece do not represent the views of The McGill International Review. Moreover, this is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
