We Need To Partition Britain

Every time the British leave a place, they end up leaving everyone more divided and confused than they were before. So why is it that Britain has chosen to leave the European Union? Some would say because of class, others would say basic economics. The local peoples don’t seem to know why they’re leaving the artificial borders of the European Union in the first place. I, as an esteemed occidentalist scholar, who has spent many a summer vacationing in the region, know why.

Sectarian cleavages have run deep ever since the martyrdom of the Anglo-Saxon King Harold Godwinson at the hands of the Norman warlord William ‘the Conqueror’ at the Battle of Hastings in 1066. To the ‘indigenous’ Anglo-Saxons – who were actually colonizing Germans, but let’s not talk about that – the European Union is not a “political union”, but the embodiment of the Norman occupation. With the French president and descendant of the Norman tribes now at the helm of the EU, British passions have only been inflamed.

So, as the country has decided to leave the European Union, what happens next? Half the country hates the other.  Barely anyone has any faith in the May regime. Nobody within the tribal council, which is known by the locals as “Westminister”, seems to agree with each other. There is clearly no other form of political dialogue or compromise. It is clear now that there is only one solution: partition.

After all, is that not the British way?

As an Indian-Pakistani, I have the answers. Firstly, we must understand which areas voted to “remain” and to “leave.” We will see then carve out the borders accordingly, but not exactly. London, due to its economic importance to the global economy, is far too valuable to leave in the hands of the locals. Thus, the country ought to be placed under an Arab League Mandate until the Britishers can once again be trusted to govern themselves.

So, Britain, as you brace for your independence day, here’s a heads up. If you attempt to showcase any form of agency or, Lord forbid, self-determination, your heroic leader will be assassinated and government dismissed. We understand that newly independent voters can make mistakes, so we are more than happy to facilitate a “coup d’état”, which we are told by your military means “democratic process” in your native dialect ‘scouce.’ ‘We discourage you from attempts at nationalizing the English Channel or attempting to take London, but should you decide to give into your baser desires, we would remind you to recall Suez. Your sovereignty is important to us, but we’re sure you’re aware that our balance of payments surplus is far more important. In the meantime, columnists will be writing 400 word op-eds explaining your entire history and what has caused your state to fail.

Happy Independence Day!

This satire article is apart of MIR’s April Fools day publication cycle. The views expressed in this piece do not represent the views of The McGill International Review. Moreover, this is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.